Crouching Tiger, Hidden Thistle

Dear me of 2010. I chose this year, because if I go back too far, it will be before you'd had your daughters. I can't possibly regret having either of them because they are remarkable people and you're so unbelievably proud of both of them in 2021. If some sort of miracle happened and I can in fact travel back in time - or at least send a message back - here are all the things I want to tell you. Firstly; stop eating your feelings, woman. Seriously, you're chunky and you'll feel much better in body and in mind if you chuck that shit out. Honestly, the main thing I want to tell you is to run. Run now, while the kids are young and they won't be damaged and hurt by their father's 'parenting' and your messy separation. Run before he gets further into your head and your self-esteem gets broken almost beyond repair. Run before you waste a large period of your adult life on someone who doesn't deserve it, and a family that will turn their back on you th...

I am in pain.  I'm always in pain. I have 'chronic pain'. I am in pain every single second of every single day, whether I am lying in a warm bath, or leaning in an awkward position to take a patient's blood sample. I'm in pain even though I take painkillers and I use muscle rubs and hot water bottles and acupuncture and every other type of pain management you can think of. Those around me forget about my chronic pain, and that's ok. I don't forget. Not ever. But... I survive. I've struggled with pain since being a teenager. I did something that caused pain in my back, but while it became more manageable, it never really left. When I was in late teens and much of my twenties, sometimes my pain slept. It rested quietly, occasionally stirring and rolling over, then waking up and playing for a while. As time went on, it slept less. It was awake for longer periods and its waking time became more destructive than playful. Pain began to dominate my life, I stru...

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Contrary to popular belief, this phrase isn't actually what was originally written. It was adapted from a line in a play written by William Congreve in 1697. The actual line went 'Heav'n has no rage, like love to hatred turn'd, Nor hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd'. Sounds like women even in the 1690s had some rage issues. Do I have rage issues? Today, yes I absolutely do. Today, I am furious. I am seething. I am incensed, enraged, infuriated and any other synonym you can find for 'angry'. Rather than suppressing it, I am embracing my rage. I'm letting my inner 'woman scorn'd' fuel and consume me.  I went through the process with the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) as I had been advised to. I followed all the steps and was told to have faith in the system. I did, stupidly. Today, I'm told that they have calculated the amount that C should pay me to feed, clothe and care for our two children. Th...

I've never been single for long, and very soon after my separation, I started looking again. Through both my long-time damaged self-worth and the need for dependency ingrained into me through my toxic marriage, I felt that I needed a relationship. I was broken; emotionally battered and bruised, and thought a man would help me to heal that hurt. So I joined the terrifying world of online dating for the first time in my life. My self-esteem was so low at first that I 'swiped left' on a lot of very attractive men, considering them way out of my league. My first date was a terrifying affair, with a nice man that I didn't actually feel any physical attraction to at all. Thankfully that fizzled out to nothing, and while making online connections my confidence began to grow. I'm sure my rapidly declining weight was a significant factor in this too! I had a few dates with different men, then a few dates with one man. The flagpole was bowing under the weight of so many red f...

I think everyone is familiar with the fear response. This is a physiological reaction to being faced with danger, designed for survival. It takes us back to our cavemen days, when we could encounter a predator in everyday life. Our bodies flood with adrenaline and cortisol, causing blood flow to increase to our limbs, our hearts to race, our hearing to sharpen and our perception of pain to drop. These changes allow us to deal with the threat in front of us and stay alive. We could fight. We could run away. Or we could freeze. This is commonly known as the fight/flight/freeze response.  Psychologists have begun to discuss the fourth trauma response, known as 'fawn' or 'friend'. We could befriend the predator, treating the sabre-toothed tiger like a big kitty and throwing it scraps of meat, hoping it decides to be satisfied without attacking us. As humans have evolved and life in general has changed so much for mankind, we encounter very different threats now; less a sabr...

 J is in a bad way.  A few weeks ago, she had a text argument with her Dad. This was relating to the laptop he had given to S and refused to let her keep. He made the mistake of bringing J up as part of his argument with S, so J confronted him over WhatsApp. As I'm sure my readers can imagine, he didn't respond well to this. He slung some names and accusations at her, then blocked her. This 40-something year old man blocked his own 15 year old daughter from whom he had been almost totally estranged, and who has known mental health needs. This certainly didn't fit into the picture he had drawn of himself for court; the poor devastated father who couldn't see his child. J found this quite funny actually; or at least that was her first reaction. Over the next couple of weeks, she stewed over it. This also coincided with the Easter holidays, so her school-related anxiety escalated in conjunction with her anger at him. The night before the return to school, she was the worst...

Money; It makes the world go round. It can't buy me love. It talks. It's all I want. It changes everything. Money is such a difficult topic, isn't it? It isn't socially acceptable to discuss in company; what you earn, what others earn, what you spend your money on etc. Yet, it largely governs our lives doesn't it? In previous entries, I've touched on the subject. C was obsessed with money. Well actually, he was obsessed with his image relating to money. Everyone had to see him flashing the cash, with expensive gadgets, cars, motorbikes and paying for all the drinks. This is why so many people have been shocked to hear the truth; they knew him as the happy guy who paid for everything. He's such a nice man - so generous! How could he possibly be an abuser? He worked so tirelessly on engineering a persona and reputation that was favourable; a loved local character. He helped out friends in need and hired young apprentices to train them in a valuable trade. I ad...

S lived with her father for 3 months. This time was awful for me, I watched while S became more and more distant from me, and her relationship with her sister was very damaged. Thankfully, CAMHS agreed to do some work with the 3 of us to try and help them resolve their issues. S initially declined to participate, I suspect largely due to her Dad's influence. Being the emotionally closed-off type, therapy was never something he had much faith in. He considers it self-indulgent and 'airy-fairy', and he told S this. She always valued his opinion, and was easily persuaded to hold the same beliefs.  I am so glad that I managed to convince her to take part. She agreed to a single session initially, saying she would see how it went. I can't say how grateful I am to the CAMHS therapist who worked with us, she was so gentle and encouraging with S that she loved it and agreed to continue. Some sessions were very difficult; the girls were clearly holding a great deal of resentment...

J resumed her birth name and gender around a month after her Dad moved out. She had been very aware of his disapproval of her gender questioning, so she asked me to tell him, ensuring she didn't have to. I had lengthy conversations with her about her gender, her decision, her feelings and more. She had realised a few months before that she still didn't feel comfortable in her identity, but that it wasn't/isn't gender related. Sadly, she had decided not to speak up because she knew her father would have a less than favourable reaction. When he was gone, and it was clear that he was staying gone, she felt comfortable to speak up. There's an interesting link between gender dysphoria/confusion and autism. The theory is based on both manifesting in an intense feeling of disconnect from our own bodies and the society around us. This is not to say that autism and gender dysphoria can't both reside in the same person, but there does seem to be a large proportion of auti...

C didn't bond with our youngest daughter immediately. She was being breastfed and it didn't go terribly well. When she wasn't nursing, she was fussy and noisy, and only I had the necessary tools to calm her. It didn't help that his mother was chattering in the background about her opinions on the subject. She had 4 babies and never breastfed any of them. You know you can't see what they're getting? How do you know she's getting enough? No-one else can bond with the baby when she's always with Mum, it's not very fair on her Daddy... I think women everywhere have perfected the quiet smile we offer the mother-in-law when they come out with that kind of crap. However, as S started showing her personality more, she became a Daddy's girl. As I've already previously stated, S is her sister's opposite in almost every way. J is loud, fierce and fiery. S is quiet, well behaved and laid back. She's the easy child. S learned from a young age that...

Initially, after my separation with C, he was seeing our girls on alternate weekends. He was staying with his sister and didn't have his own place yet. When he did get his own place, he demanded  shared care, complete 50/50. I wasn't at all keen on this, but as the girls were on board, I yielded to it. It lasted a whole 3 weeks. About 1 week into this, I had a huge argument with J. I don't recall what started it, but she turned on me very quickly, telling me that I was trying to steal Daddy's money. Huh? Where had this come from? J tore me to pieces. She told me I had been spending Daddy's money for years and now I thought I was entitled to it, but I wasn't, OK?! It's HIS money! I still remember the look on her face. She - at that point - hated me. I was hurting her Daddy. I was pretty stunned at this. C had always made snide comments about my 'excessive spending'. Now don't get me wrong, I enjoyed to shop; but most of the purchases I made were f...

I always felt that I got on with C's parents. True, things were a little shaky at first - his mother - M - seemed to think I would be a devout housewife, like she was. His father was clearly unimpressed when we announced my pregnancy with J (less than 3 months after moving in together, and years before we got married). His father - T - gave me a massive red flag even then, without me realising it. We told his parents about it together, at their house. T said nothing. No congratulations or best wishes, but also no words to indicate disapproval either. Instead, he walked out of the room and let his wife do the talking. To her credit, she did share her good wishes and excitement at becoming a grandmother. This silence continued throughout the pregnancy. T would behave as normal until anything pregnancy or baby related was raised, and he would either stay silent, leave the room, or change the subject. I should have realised even then where C's behaviours were learned from. This fam...

 I remember when I first met C. He was 4.5 years older than me, and seemed much more worldly. He presented himself as safe, stable and loving. After my own parents' tumultuous marriage and the chaotic upbringing that came with 5 siblings, I was immediately attracted to this charming, protective and generous man. I was living in Spain in my 3rd or 4th 'gap year' after school (I had no direction in life whatsoever!), living day to day, working and drinking and sleeping and dancing. C was always the type to splash the cash, and I'm ashamed to say that I was shallow enough to be bought in by it. To be fair to myself; it wasn't that he was a cash cow, it was just that he was such a stark contrast to the guys I knew before him. He offered security and certainty, where my ex boyfriends all seemed to offer STDs and 'can I just scrounge 20 quid till payday?' I apologise to my Dad if he ever reads this, but maybe you should just skip this next paragraph Da, mmkay? We ...

When I was younger, I was as fiery as J. Certainly, I can see now that my outbursts were sometimes unhealthy and often unwarranted. I met C when I was 21, I was barely into adulthood myself. I recall some feisty tantrums back in the early months of our relationship, but now... I rarely lose my temper. In fact, I can't recall the last time I really let loose. I realise now that my fire has been smothered over the years. If I would become angry, C would simply cut me off. I'd be cut off from affection, conversation, any kind of communication at all. He simply couldn't deal with any kind of disagreements, or perhaps anyone challenging his behaviour. Over time, I learned not to raise any complaints, or to manage them differently. I couldn't be angry; it would result in being isolated from him for days... sometimes even weeks. If I had concerns, I had to manage them in a more light-hearted way, almost joking about his cavalier attitude to the children's safety, or his in...