Money money money

Money;

It makes the world go round.

It can't buy me love.

It talks.

It's all I want.

It changes everything.

Money is such a difficult topic, isn't it? It isn't socially acceptable to discuss in company; what you earn, what others earn, what you spend your money on etc. Yet, it largely governs our lives doesn't it?

In previous entries, I've touched on the subject. C was obsessed with money. Well actually, he was obsessed with his image relating to money. Everyone had to see him flashing the cash, with expensive gadgets, cars, motorbikes and paying for all the drinks. This is why so many people have been shocked to hear the truth; they knew him as the happy guy who paid for everything. He's such a nice man - so generous! How could he possibly be an abuser? He worked so tirelessly on engineering a persona and reputation that was favourable; a loved local character. He helped out friends in need and hired young apprentices to train them in a valuable trade. I admit that I got caught up in it, too. I couldn't complain really; I got regular holidays, a nice car, big TVs at home and all sorts of other perks. Now with the magic/curse that is hindsight, I also recognise that he used money as his 'get out of jail free' card. If I raised a grievance, I was reminded of all the comforts in life that he provided us. I was very subtly being bought off, and I didn't even realise it. Money was his weapon - he found shrewd ways to ensure I was aware that financially, I wouldn't be able to cope without him. While I would love to think that I'm not that shallow, I do accept that there was a part of me that didn't leave because I was terrified of having to make it alone, and also - even more shamefully - I would lose all the comforts that his income provided. 

The sense of security was such an allure when I first met him. It became the mast I was clinging to on a sinking ship. I clearly didn't believe in my own ability to swim, or perhaps I had been convinced that I had forgotten how to swim. When he moved out, money was my biggest concern. C at that point was being Mr Nice Guy. He told me he wasn't going to be a dick about money. He would make sure me and the kids were ok. That didn't last long.

I can see now that money is all he really has to offer anyone now. His group of 'friends' are all leeches. They're made up mostly of his employees, with a few ex-employees in the mix. When they go out, he pays for the food and drinks by putting them on his business card, later to claim as 'expenses'. He has lost most of his long-term friends, who have lost respect for him. C's new girlfriend is the sister of one of those friends/ex-employees. I admit, my cautious sensible Mum mask slipped when S described her to me by singing 'I ain't saying she a gold-digga'; I burst out laughing. Maybe she is just there for the money; but in fairness, they do seem to have a very close relationship. I'm told they are planning to get matching tattoos soon... <snigger>

Domestic abuse can be separated into a few different categories;

Sexual (for all his faults, he can't be accused of this. Unless shit sex can be considered abuse)

Psychological (he does tick this box in a BIG way)

Physical (aggression - occasionally. Actual violence - no)

Emotional (yep yep, big tick on this one too)

Financial.

Initially, there was absolutely no financial abuse. This surprised me actually, as I had anticipated this to be his first weapon of choice. Just as I started to feel safe from this, he flipped it right round. 

I own one third of C's company. You'd never know it now, because he won't let me see any of the bank accounts or in fact anything to do with the day-to-day running of the business. I have to trust that his accountant will ensure I receive any dividends due to me. That said, he'll make damn sure there aren't any dividends due. From what I can tell, he's been spending lots of company money to limit any profits. He's barely working; claiming this is due to the pandemic and his 'mental health' (yet shows no sympathy or support for J's mental health). He is doing more cash work so it doesn't go through the books. I've also discovered that his new girlfriend has a new company registered in her name. Shockingly, it's the same trade that C specialises in, and she has no experience of. He all but admitted the company pays his solicitor's fees, including those relating to our custody battle and the divorce proceedings. I can see that he is doing everything he can to hide money, limit profit and restrict any earnings that I may be entitled to, but I'm defenceless against this. In order to investigate and fight this, I would have to pay out for solicitors and accountants. Ironically, I can't afford to fight for the money that would allow me to afford the fight! 

I think the main reason he wanted completely shared custody was because he then wouldn't have to pay child maintenance. Such a selfish reason to want it, but I don't think he truly wanted the time and relationship with our children. If he did, he would be fighting more to salvage what is left of these relationships. When J declined shared custody, he was forced to pay something towards her care. The amount he gives me is pathetic compared to what I know he actually earns, but he claims his take home pay is much less now for various vague reasons. When S returned home to me, he ignored all emails about paying child maintenance for her for 10 weeks. Finally, he responded to say that his earnings had dropped further, and the amount he had been paying since S returned home was actually for both children. Funny how the amount (which isn't a nice rounded up number, and he claims was based on the CMS calculator) came up the exact same for one child in February as it did for 2 children in March. He refuses any other kind of financial support; nothing towards the new clothes the kids need for the summer, school uniforms or trips, any of the many other expenses that come with children. 

I was initially pleasantly surprised to find I was actually financially getting by without too much difficulty... for a while, anyway. Since S came home, I've noticed my spare cash rapidly declining. Add the £1k I spent on solicitor's fees for our recent court hearing and the loss of earnings from being off work, and suddenly I'm practically fully inside the chest freezer with my arse in the air, trying to find the forgotten food items hiding in there. This is absolutely NOT a plea for help - I know that most of us have encountered a lot of covid-related challenges. I mean, unless the help you're offering is to kneecap my ex to motivate him to pay what I'm owed... 

To be very clear, I am of course joking.

Ish.

This is really frustrating for me though, because I can see that he is getting what he wants. He wants me to be financially crippled. He wants to be the parent that can offer expensive phones, gifts, laptops, holidays, pocket money etc. He wants to show off the pictures from the holiday he has booked to St Lucia with his girlfriend, while seeing me wishing I could afford the fuel costs just to visit family. 

The thing is - he can get as rich as he wants. He can buy whatever he likes, and spoil his girlfriend and her kids, and show it all off to the world. He'll still be a dick, and the only relationships he will maintain in life will be those obligated by blood ties, or motivated by sponging off him. Good luck to him with that.

I can get through this phase though. I can be skint for a while, and I'll get myself out of the hole. When I do, I'll be proud that I've survived through what he told me was not survivable. I got through a whole year already, and this is the first time I've really felt like digging down the back of the sofa for spare coins. Through this time, I've managed to care for my kids. I've paid my rent and utilities, and we've never ran out of food. I downgraded my car to something more affordable, and I've learned how to tighten my belt. He thought I couldn't live without him, but as a wise man once said; 'I'm still standing'.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.