Dear 2010 me.

Dear me of 2010.

I chose this year, because if I go back too far, it will be before you'd had your daughters. I can't possibly regret having either of them because they are remarkable people and you're so unbelievably proud of both of them in 2021. If some sort of miracle happened and I can in fact travel back in time - or at least send a message back - here are all the things I want to tell you.

Firstly; stop eating your feelings, woman. Seriously, you're chunky and you'll feel much better in body and in mind if you chuck that shit out.

Honestly, the main thing I want to tell you is to run. Run now, while the kids are young and they won't be damaged and hurt by their father's 'parenting' and your messy separation. Run before he gets further into your head and your self-esteem gets broken almost beyond repair. Run before you waste a large period of your adult life on someone who doesn't deserve it, and a family that will turn their back on you the second things get sticky and you no longer have any use to them. Get away while you can.

Don't believe him. He isn't the influential and important man he claims to be. The high-ranking friends he claims to have are merely acquaintances he met once or twice, and who barely remember him. The wild hobbies he has claimed to become proficient in aren't real. At best he tried them once or twice with someone else, and decided he achieved 'expert' level, on account of how amazingly skilled and wonderful he thinks he is. His stories are grossly exaggerated or outright fabricated, and all he wants is someone to listen to and praise his grandeur and brilliance. These do not exist.

You can survive without him, no matter what he says. You've already realised what you want to do; you can still do it without him. Go, get your degree. Start again and find fulfilment in your new role. You're smart and he will take all the credit for your achievements while blaming you for his shortcomings. You are so much stronger than you've been led to believe you are. You'll do most of the work in raising the kids and running the house anyway, it'll go easier with one less child. 

It would be better to let him end the relationship. It will soothe his ego to have done it himself; any tarnish on his reputation will cause him to lash out. Do something that won't give him a choice but also won't dent his oh-so-delicate pride. An affair won't do it, he'll still punish you for that. Find a way to push him away from you, to make him feel like he's the one rejecting you. Hopefully then he won't take it out on the kids.

It's ok to be emotional. It's ok to feel sad about the pregnancy you lost, and it's ok to talk about it. You can mourn the baby that never was, and enjoy the babies that are alive. You don't need to hide all of your emotions away because someone close to you is uncomfortable with any display of emotion. Stop allowing your feelings to be dictated by others; if someone is worth being in your life, they will let you be yourself, and still love you for it. 

You don't need a replacement. Lets face it, you could really do with some time to be single. Learn to respect yourself before you lower your shields to someone else. If the right guy doesn't come along, that's ok. Being single is actually a really valuable experience, and it's much better to be a divorced Mum than to be under someone else's control. If you commit again, make it someone who appreciates your quirks and your eccentricities. Someone who is honest, affectionate, supportive and open-minded. Someone who will dance with you when you're drunk and having fun, and won't bad mouth you to his friends and family when you don't do things his way. Someone who encourages you to have an opinion and is open to having healthy debates without shutting you down.

You should know how amazing your kids turn out. J is creative and goofy, and she's amazingly kind-hearted. S is scarily intelligent, logical and funny as hell. You're in for a rough few years with J - or perhaps not if you follow the advice I've given you above - but if you ride it out, you'll both come out stronger for it. The girls are so different from each other that they'll butt heads sometimes. Give them each their own space and let them vent it out. They'll work it out eventually, and when they become friends your life will be easier and much more satisfying. You will be prouder of them than you've ever been of yourself or of anyone else. Enjoy them while they're young, because it will seem like you blink once and they're suddenly growing boobs and wearing eyeliner. You'll miss the times when they snuggle up to you and fall asleep, and mispronounce words in the cutest ways. Don't wish their childhoods away. Oh, and sometime soon S will ask you to sniff her chubby little toddler hand. Don't do it - it smells like baby butthole for a reason.

2020 and 2021 will be kinda weird for everyone by the way. I guess there isn't much you can do to change that, but it might be worth getting some shares in Purell. 

Be kind to yourself. Stop fixating on the idea of beating the odds and having a marriage that really does part at death. Believe me, it's much worse to live that long with someone who makes you feel alone.