Regrets

J resumed her birth name and gender around a month after her Dad moved out. She had been very aware of his disapproval of her gender questioning, so she asked me to tell him, ensuring she didn't have to. I had lengthy conversations with her about her gender, her decision, her feelings and more. She had realised a few months before that she still didn't feel comfortable in her identity, but that it wasn't/isn't gender related. Sadly, she had decided not to speak up because she knew her father would have a less than favourable reaction. When he was gone, and it was clear that he was staying gone, she felt comfortable to speak up.

There's an interesting link between gender dysphoria/confusion and autism. The theory is based on both manifesting in an intense feeling of disconnect from our own bodies and the society around us. This is not to say that autism and gender dysphoria can't both reside in the same person, but there does seem to be a large proportion of autistic people that identify as a different gender as the one they were assigned at birth. I'm neither autistic nor transgender myself so I wouldn't presume to speak for the experiences of those who are either or both. From what I've read and know of autism is that the affected person commonly feels out of place, like they don't fit in with the world around them. In theory, an autistic person who has yet to be diagnosed may seek for reasons that explain this detachment. Occasionally, they fall on gender identity as a possibility. They decide to live as another gender, and if they are truly transgender, they find their true selves. If they still feel uncomfortable, they continue looking.

J hasn't yet been diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum, but she is on the pathway, and certainly ticks a lot of those boxes. She tried almost a year living as male, but realised it wasn't her true self. I'm so indescribably proud of her for having that kind of self awareness. She is grateful to have been supported to try this, because now she knows that her true self isn't male. She has no regrets from this whatsover. She knew that her father would roll his eyes at her new revelation, and consider himself justified for having questioned her. I knew this too, and that's exactly what he did. C now uses this tale as verification of how wrong I was, and how I 'used' her period of gender questioning for attention and drama. He doesn't recognise how valuable this was for her self-esteem, her personal growth and her sense of identity. He doesn't see that this journey brought she and I much closer and pushed him and her further apart. He sure as hell doesn't see his own fault in this, nor any other issue we've ever faced!

Many straight cis people don't understand the difference between gender identity and sexual preference. Put in overly simple terms; gender is the body you wake up in, sexuality is the body to wake up next to! Of course, the reality is much more complex than this, but I find this phrase helpful. J may not be transgender, but she does identify as pansexual. I am well aware that there are plenty of people who think this is a made-up, ridiculous term that basically defines someone as 'greedy'. It's not. I'm tempted to make a sneering remark at those that hold this opinion, but I also know that education is more effective than mocking. Being pansexual not the same as being bisexual; that means being attracted to men or women. Pansexual means being attracted to a person of any gender identity, including trans men, trans women, non-binary and genderqueer people. It essentially means that what is between that person's legs doesn't matter; attraction is attraction, regardless of sexual organs or features. J may later change her mind on this too, but does it matter? She's open minded and I think that's commendable. 

In all her teenage wisdom, J selected an odd way of 'coming out' to her father with her sexuality. She literally wrote 'Dad, I'm pan' on her bedroom window, where it was visible to anyone walking by the house. I'm ashamed to say that when I saw it, my reaction was one of concern for her Dad's reaction, rather than pride at her bravery. She had already recognised her Dad's scorn to her gender identity, and I think was acting out to get his attention. She certainly caught that, and he was furious. Rather than seeing that his daughter had made a daring declaration that I'm sure was difficult for her, he saw his shame advertised to all our neighbours. I don't think he even spoke to her about her sexuality or assured her that he loved her regardless. He seethed and sulked, and it became another issue for him to blame on me. Apparently, it was my fault that she felt the need to announce her sexuality so publicly. I spent time calming and appeasing my outraged husband, when I should have been holding my courageous daughter's hand and talking through her feelings with her.

In the time between when we separated and I changed my phone number, one particular text from him stands out in my memory. We were discussing J's mental health and how we could support her. He wrote 'you fucked up the trans/pan thing, and you're fucking this up'.

I'm sure that I must have made some mistakes in that time. Certainly, I regret not leaving him when J came out as transgender. I regret putting C's anger before J's apprehension. I regret not being firmer in my attempts to make him understand her anguish. I don't regret supporting her through what he callously referred to as 'the trans/pan thing', nor do I regret taking her mental health seriously. At that time though, I was still conditioned through his abuse to question myself and my reality. I was also sensitive to any accusation that my parenting was potentially damaging to my daughter, as I expect most mothers are. It took quite some time to regret having doubted myself when I read that text from him. I wonder - does C any have any regrets?