Light at the end of the tunnel

S lived with her father for 3 months. This time was awful for me, I watched while S became more and more distant from me, and her relationship with her sister was very damaged. Thankfully, CAMHS agreed to do some work with the 3 of us to try and help them resolve their issues. S initially declined to participate, I suspect largely due to her Dad's influence. Being the emotionally closed-off type, therapy was never something he had much faith in. He considers it self-indulgent and 'airy-fairy', and he told S this. She always valued his opinion, and was easily persuaded to hold the same beliefs. 

I am so glad that I managed to convince her to take part. She agreed to a single session initially, saying she would see how it went. I can't say how grateful I am to the CAMHS therapist who worked with us, she was so gentle and encouraging with S that she loved it and agreed to continue. Some sessions were very difficult; the girls were clearly holding a great deal of resentment, and S was still very much under her father's 'guidance'. Thankfully the therapist picked up on this, and gently coaxed S into a different way of thinking. We had 6 sessions of family therapy, and to my enormous relief and gratitude, they were friends again. They had both aired some grievances and learned to understand the others' perspective and feelings. I don't even have the words to say how magical this was for us.

C insisted that this living arrangement was in S's best interests. After all - I work shifts, and there is only me at home. He worked regular hours and the woman he called S's 'step mum' (within 6 months of being in a relationship with her) was home for when he wasn't. She also had her 'step-brother' and 'step-sister' there most of the time, and they were a healthier influence on her than J, with her self-harming and attention-seeking. I wholeheartedly disagreed, but while he had S in his thrall, I was powerless. I knew that I just had to learn how to live with it until she came to realise the truth. I expected this to take years.

It took months. S texted me one day asking for me to collect her. It was mid-week and not during one of the weekends he 'allowed' me to have with her. She had been in an argument with her 'step-sister' and her father hadn't managed it well. She came back home with me, and quickly decided that she wanted to return to the previous arrangement of 50/50 care. She had had her interview with a CAFCASS officer only days before, and had told them she was happy with the arrangement at that time; living with her father and seeing me on alternate weekends. I arranged for her to meet with the officer again and she shared her changed view. I emailed C and gave advice for how to manage and help S's hurt feelings. He ignored this. Within 2 weeks, S had changed her mind again; she wanted to completely swap it round. She wanted to live with me and see her father on alternate weekends.

I knew he wouldn't like this. I knew he would claim that I was manipulating her and poisoning her against him. Isn't it interesting how narcissists accuse others of the things they themselves are guilty of? I encouraged S to consider including a mid-week stay with her Dad, but she declined. I encouraged her to consider staying with him from Friday to Monday, but she declined that too. This period was a huge turning point in her life, as it was clear she really was starting to see her Dad for who he is. I refused to participate in her complaints about him, beyond quietly listening to her vent. I knew there were private conversations going on between S and J about their father, but I was torn; should I encourage them not to talk about him? Should I allow them to freely vent their feelings to each other? I recognised that their bond was only being strengthened by their new sincere and candid relationship. In the end, I encouraged them both to consider their father's perspective, but decided not to silence them. Did J influence S in any way? Most likely - but she was telling the truth, and S is a remarkably intelligent girl who gradually was coming to her own conclusions.

I worried constantly about S. Having always held her father up on an extremely high pedestal, surely it would hurt her to see him fall? I observed her, talked to her, even checked in with her school... but she was fine. I offered to arrange for her to speak to someone; therapy, or even just pastoral support at school? She declined, she said she didn't need this. I waited for her to break down, but it still hasn't happened. Perhaps she is just incredibly resilient.

In the meantime, CAFCASS had submitted their report, but it was extremely poor. Their recommendations weren't clear and they had failed to address several crucial points. I made a formal complaint, and it was decided that they would make some further investigations, and submit a new report. CAFCASS met again with S, and she told them her new wishes. The new CAFCASS report not only reflected her wishes, but also added recommendations that C undertake some work with CAMHS to better understand her mental health needs, and a parenting course. Despite an onslaught of sly, petty and unfounded attacks at me in court, C didn't fight the CAFCASS report and their recommendations. I did it! The court ordered us to follow the CAFCASS recommendations; my children are safe, living with me full time. After the absolute hell that was the 3 months S lived with her father, she is back with her mother and sister, and their sibling bond has never been stronger. 

However, S now doesn't want to see her Dad at all. C responded in much the same way he did to J; by rejecting her. S was removed from his Spotify account and his whole attitude towards her changed. He placed conditions on some of the many gifts he had showered her with during his period of grooming her. Suddenly, the laptop that he had bought her - that only she had ever used and she had decorated with stickers - was actually a 'family' laptop and not intended for use at my house. This pushed her further away from him, but she stood her ground and kept the laptop anyway. He did the same with a gaming headset he had given her; this was abruptly removed from her, and she was told it wasn't for use anywhere but his home. She still hasn't retrieved this, but this too pushed her further away from him. 

Both girls got into an argument with C via a group text over the items he withheld from her. They were very childish and rude, admittedly; but his response was to have his solicitor send me a letter. 

'We attach a copy of the WhatsApp exchange that our client had with both children on (). We trust that you will agree that the way that both children addressed their father was not acceptable and so presume that you will speak to them in relation to that. We would ask that you confirm to us when you have done so.'

Oh, I laughed and laughed at this. Initially, I intended to ignore it... but on further reflection (and with helpful advice from a friend), I decided to reply. I wrote about the advice from CAFCASS and CAMHS that suggest the children should be given the freedom to express themselves, and that neither parent should intervene in the relationship between the children and the other parent. I identified that their 'direction' was in contradiction to it. I copied in our CAFCASS officer and J's CAMHS therapist. I apologised that C's feelings were hurt by his children, but stated that he would have to manage this conflict himself, and perhaps removing conditions from his gifts would be a good starting point. God, that was satisfying, and I clicked 'send' with a big grin. I never did get a reply to this; it was only acknowledged when C made a snide comment about S being caught swearing. C said I had stated my preference that the girls communicate in this way. Deliberate misinterpretation? Oh, hell yes it was. Besides, she was only swearing because he still refused to return her items.

My battle isn't over though. Everything else was put on hold while I managed their living arrangement, now wish me luck while I tackle everything else. Next up is child support; I've been receiving a paltry amount for J since October, and nothing at all for S. I've achieved what's most important though; custody and validation. That court order gave me more than my kids; it gave me the strength and the courage to keep fighting for them, and for myself. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm crawling over broken glass to reach it. You're damn right I'll get there though; even if I arrive bloody and broken, I'll make sure my kids get to it whole and complete.