The Good Girl

I think everyone is familiar with the fear response. This is a physiological reaction to being faced with danger, designed for survival. It takes us back to our cavemen days, when we could encounter a predator in everyday life. Our bodies flood with adrenaline and cortisol, causing blood flow to increase to our limbs, our hearts to race, our hearing to sharpen and our perception of pain to drop. These changes allow us to deal with the threat in front of us and stay alive.

We could fight. We could run away. Or we could freeze. This is commonly known as the fight/flight/freeze response. 

Psychologists have begun to discuss the fourth trauma response, known as 'fawn' or 'friend'. We could befriend the predator, treating the sabre-toothed tiger like a big kitty and throwing it scraps of meat, hoping it decides to be satisfied without attacking us. As humans have evolved and life in general has changed so much for mankind, we encounter very different threats now; less a sabre-toothed tiger, and more a person who intends to cause us harm, or a car racing towards us. Imagine if your boss tore strips off you in front of all your colleagues over an unfair accusation of a poorly completed task. You may shout back, run away, completely freeze up and stumble over your words, or you may agree that your work was shoddy, apologise profusely and promise to do better. Those who are frequent 'fawners' will be familiar with this. 

Fawning spills into every part of your life. Perhaps you don't complain when someone wrongs you, or you agree to undertake tasks that you know you don't have the time or energy to complete. Another phrase for fawners is 'people pleasers'. I am absolutely a people pleaser. I find it very difficult to stand up for myself, to say 'no' to that quick favour, to prioritise myself and my own needs. This makes people like me easy pickings for narcissists, who will take and take until there is nothing left. 

Through therapy, I'm learning where my people-pleasing originated and developed. Growing up in a crowded household, it would take quite a lot to stand out. My brother went through some behavioural problems in his youth; huge outbursts of rage would explode from him at the slightest provocation. He would throw items, punch furniture and walls, shout and scream...not entirely unlike what I see in J now. My brother was younger when this started though, going from maybe 5 years old. I recall his suspension from school for kicking the school priest (catholic school) and sweeping everything off the headmistress' desk. That was within his first year of school. I suspect nowadays, he would have been assessed for ASD and ADHD, and almost certainly have had a diagnosis. However, in the 80s, he was just an angry child. As an adult - although he would disagree - he definitely has some ASD traits, although he is now if not a well-rounded adult, certainly a high functioning one. Knowing what I do now about neurodiversity, the comparison between my brother and J seem to explain a lot. It's known that girls commonly mask their symptoms well, often remaining hidden or managed until their teenage years. Boys tend to display these at a much younger age. There is also a hereditary link to consider. 

As a family, we attended therapy to help my brother. My memories of this time are very fuzzy, so I may be getting some details wrong. My parents would have therapy in one room, and my brother, myself, and sometimes our older sister underwent 'play therapy' in another room. I have quite clear memories of making clay figures during one of these sessions, making little animals and painting them at the next one when they had dried out. Most of the time, we were both very well behaved and enjoyed ourselves, but I do recall one where my brother's inner demon made his appearance. I have a vague memory of trying to calm him and making excuses to our therapist about his behaviour. I have a clearer memory of the therapist commenting on my response to his rage; to take charge and try to diffuse the situation. I thought I had forgotten this entire time until my current therapist managed to pluck it out of me. I see now that between my brother's hot-headed ways, the frequent disputes between my parents and my older sister's tumultuous teenage years, I learned how to protect myself from any kind of conflict. I became the Good Girl. I did well at school, I rarely rebelled, I helped when our younger siblings arrived and quite simply, I conformed. That's not to say I didn't have my moments; I'm sure my parents have plenty of stories about my misdeeds, but I still kept those to a minimum. I was an excellent student though, my behaviour at school was always exemplary. 

Growing into adulthood, this has continued in many ways. I avoid any kind of awkward or difficult conversations. I take on too much and I place too much of my own self-worth on how useful I am to other people. I don't take criticism well because I panic that I've disappointed someone. Now that I'm dating again, I find it very difficult to tell someone that I'm not interested; a long-standing problem for me. I'm too aware that they could interpret this as me thinking I'm too good for them, when my own inner demon tells me otherwise. I don't want to cause hurt to other people, so I leave myself in uncomfortable situations to prevent this. I've made some pretty major advances in my own self-value in the last few months, and I know there is still a long way to go. I'm still a Good Girl, I don't rock the boat and I don't stand up for myself well, but I've made small changes that felt deeply unsettling at first. I'm re-training my own responses and coping mechanisms, and at my age it will take time, effort and practice. It will become more natural eventually, but in the meantime - if you ask me for something and I say 'no', please bear in mind how difficult that is for me, and know that in doing so, you are helping me to better myself. I want to be a good girl, not a Good Girl.