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Starting Over

I haven't written in this for a long time. I once found it very therapeutic, but I also felt - at that time - that my objective had been achieved. I had vented my story, and it was indeed very cathartic. Writing about my situation helped me way more than the multiple courses of therapy that I had. With that in mind, I intend to continue. This time, I have no intention of sharing my posts. I doubt very much that anyone will ever read it, but I don't need it to be seen or heard. I just need to write it and release it into the void. The biggest update since my last post is my loss. A loss that has consumed me, broken me, devastated me. My big sister. For Christmas of 2021, the girls and I went back to my home town. We stayed with my Dad, aiming to celebrate Christmas with our family. I know I wrote earlier in this blog of the previous Christmas, which resulted in another kind of loss; which was at least temporary. We needed to somehow repair the heartache from the previous year. I...
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Honesty

I haven't blogged for a while. I simply haven't had time, nor have I had much to say. The girls and I had a lovely family holiday away and spent some quality time together, and since then I've been working extra hours to try and make up for the money we spent (which was a lot!). During said quality time, the girls and I had some very candid conversations. I'm discovering much more about their feelings, who they are, their hopes and dreams... These were conversations we rarely had before splitting with their Dad. I've realised now that those conversations were discouraged. C's inability to open up leeched out to all of us. Deeper conversations became uncomfortable and cringy, because that's how he felt about them. I fell into this habit myself, because his discomfort became mine. He shut down emotional discussions to the extent that I simply stopped having them. Not just with him, but with anyone around me.  C taught me to supress my emotions. He normalised t...
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What's in a name?

' What's in a name? that which we call a rose By any other name would smell as sweet; So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd, Retain that dear perfection which he owes Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name, And for that name which is no part of thee Take all myself.' It's a big question. Do you retain your married name when you divorce? My initial reaction was to keep it. I don't want a different surname to my children, especially when this particular separation has been so tough on them. J in particular. As time went on though... I realised that I couldn't keep it. I always hated my married name. Without divulging what it is, let's just say it is DULL. When I picture a person with my name, I see an older woman (aged 60+) who is in an incredibly boring job. Like a librarian. My first name is already unusual for my generation and more common for older women. Coupled with my married surname, and it becomes that of a particularly uninteresting older wo...
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Healing

S now hasn't seen her father for over a month. This is the longest she has ever gone without spending time with him. You would think that her father would find this upsetting and would be making more effort to see her, but... well, I didn't nickname him C for nothing. S went to her Dad's house to collect her things maybe 2 months ago now. J accompanied her for moral support and took a recording of the whole event, which picked up his treatment of them. I do find it interesting that he waited until his girlfriend wasn't in the room to voice his disapproval to them. I wonder if she had warned him against saying such things to a 12 year old, perhaps she isn't as toxic as I thought. If she did, he ignored it. He told them 'you don't treat family like this' and that he was disappointed in them both. This was because S had done to him exactly what he had encouraged her to do to me; cut him off and moved in with the other parent. It must have hurt him - it cert...
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What I'd like to tell her

I've previously mentioned C's girlfriend. She's not really entirely relevant to be honest, she's just the narcissist's next supply. But... she's still a woman, and I am a feminist at heart. C and I had an incident years ago with a car dealer. C was sorting out a new car for me/the family and was making all the arrangements directly with the dealer. I wasn't entirely comfortable with being left out of the conversation, so I asked him to copy me in on the email chain, which he did. I scrolled back on the email chain and found a comment I really  didn't like from the dealer. He was discussing the car we had chosen, and remarked; 'that active park assist is superb (especially for a woman, lol)'. Now admittedly, this seems minor. It's even funny, in fact. But bollocks to that! We women have been putting up with this shit for a millennia; 'jokes' about how crap our driving is, or how we belong in a kitchen, or how we're only good for on...
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What I'd love to tell him

There are so many things I would love to tell C. I've written and deleted a multitude of emails since our separation; written out of my own frustration, deleted from my realisation that he is simply incapable of accepting a view that doesn't mirror his own.  Over the years, our differences both grew and became more obvious, not to mention that they made us less and less compatible as time went on. I developed opinions and views that didn't match his. I don't think they ever did truly match his anyway, but being young, clueless and impressionable meant that there were so many topics I hadn't truly formed my own opinion on yet. As I matured and learned more about the world in general, I of course began making my own judgements and strengthening my own core values. I discovered that my core values were in fact almost the entire opposite of my husband's.  Take religion for example. Do I believe in God? Honestly, I don't think I do. I like to think there is some ...
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Flying Monkeys

 A subject that comes up a lot when you read about narcissist is that of 'flying monkeys'. Remember The Wizard of Oz? The flying monkeys were the minions of the Wicked Witch. They would do her dirty work without question, and clearly worshipped her. They probably weren't even aware of their position in their little hierarchy, or realised they were being used. The same applies to the narcissist's little group of adoring fans. These are people who - knowingly or unknowingly - do the dirty work for the narcissist. They believe the lies and the persona he or she offers them, and they act to defend their friend/sibling/parent etc. They become the bouncers for the narcissist, often joining in with hostility, intimidation, gaslighting and malicious gossiping towards the narcissist's victim.  To use a really extreme example; did you ever wonder how Jimmy Saville eluded justice for his deplorable crimes? There were some who outright knew what he was doing, but chose to ignor...
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