Honesty

I haven't blogged for a while. I simply haven't had time, nor have I had much to say. The girls and I had a lovely family holiday away and spent some quality time together, and since then I've been working extra hours to try and make up for the money we spent (which was a lot!).

During said quality time, the girls and I had some very candid conversations. I'm discovering much more about their feelings, who they are, their hopes and dreams... These were conversations we rarely had before splitting with their Dad. I've realised now that those conversations were discouraged. C's inability to open up leeched out to all of us. Deeper conversations became uncomfortable and cringy, because that's how he felt about them. I fell into this habit myself, because his discomfort became mine. He shut down emotional discussions to the extent that I simply stopped having them. Not just with him, but with anyone around me. 

C taught me to supress my emotions. He normalised the superficial, and eventually so did I. This is how it came to be that I didn't tell people about how toxic our relationship was; I enthused about how lucky I was. I had a husband who provided, who was a great father, who was a loving husband. I always knew very deep down that I was simply too ashamed to disclose the truth of what our marriage was. I largely believed him when he said I was just a drama queen who made a big fuss out of everything. You see - my biggest mistake was to believe someone else over myself. I learned not to believe my own emotions and experiences. I didn't trust myself. 

Throughout the entire shit show, there have been so many positives that have come from it. I'm more confident, I'm enjoying life more, I'm more independent and more open. I've learned to express myself in a more healthy way, and I've learned to appreciate myself more too. I've learned who I can truly depend on around me, and also learned that I have more true friends than I could have ever imagined. I've also realised that I'm still a young(ish) woman and I have a lot to offer, having previously resigned myself to being a middle-aged housewife. I'm still a sexual person (sorry Dad), after fully believing that my medication(!) had destroyed my sex drive (spoiler alert - shit sex killed it, not medication). I feel attractive again, and I feel energetic again. I've found a whole new appreciation for life. I've become closer with my own family, and realised quite how much I miss my sisters, the crazy bitches. I have so much more pride in my accomplishments and I'm better at recognising bullshit. I've found empowerment in the strangest places. I had a leak in my kitchen ceiling recently (turns out it was from a poorly installed shower - guess who is responsible for that?), and I fixed it. I fixed it all by myself, and it was unbelievably satisfying! Turns out, there's a YouTube tutorial for most household DIY tasks.

The best and most positive factor to come from it all, is my new relationship with my children, and theirs with each other. They are each other's best friend now. They go to each other with issues and with camaraderie. They come to me when they've discussed and debated between themselves, or just to show me the new video they made together, or the hilarious clip they found online. They're my friends now, too. Don't worry, I don't tell them about my dates or my grumbles about their 'Dad', but I chat to them about work issues and general gossip, or we have random discussions about life. I tell them if I'm sad or angry or elated, because I've learned how important it is to demonstrate the behaviour we need to normalise; being open about emotions. I hid everything from them when their Dad was around. I hid when he and I were fighting. I hid when I was upset because I didn't want to upset them. It truly shocked me when S said she had never seen her parents argue, because we argued all the time. Her initial reaction to our separation was astonishing to me, because she was truly flabbergasted that we had split. She had never seen any indication that our marriage was less than perfect. While this seems like a healthy approach, I realise now that it really wasn't. In hiding our unhappiness, we taught our children that any negative emotion should be private and taboo. 

It's taken a lot of work to get them to open up. I started by doing what I called our 'check-in'. I would message on our WhatsApp group asking for a 'check-in', and they would respond with a single emoji that would best demonstrate their emotions at that time. I would add my own. This was designed to normalise open and honest conversations. We built up from there, sometimes just having a general chat by text, then leading to more conversations in person. They talk best while in the car; there's something about the absence of direct face-to-face that helps them access and express their deeper thoughts. They really let loose recently, telling me so much more about their Dad than I could ever have imagined. About his attempts to manipulate their feelings about me, and S's feelings about her sister. About him trying to hide certain behaviours from his girlfriend and her kids, while he is/was still grooming them. Even about his arguments with his girlfriend and him complaining about her to S. Apparently she is very strict on her kids, and he is more lenient. Makes sense, he's trying to be the cool Step-Dad, and he gives no fucks about the long-term effects this will have on children into adulthood.

This openness with my kids is both a blessing and a curse, though. It's wonderful that they share so much more with me now, but it's heartbreaking when they share the depth of the trauma they are left with, and that they are still enduring. I'm told C texted them pictures recently of his 'family holiday'. To. His. Children. Yes, he sent pictures of him away with his girlfriend and her kids, calling it a 'family holiday'. They've been together about a year now, so certainly more 'family' than they were when he first started encouraging S to call his girlfriend of 2 months her 'step Mum' and her children S's 'step sister' and 'step brother', but who would say that to their own kids? He also told S that she was 'rude' for politely declining his invitation to go camping, then told her that he would have turned his back on her if she weren't family. It seems he has a very loose interpretation of what 'family' is. 

For me, family is what we have now. We may not be a nuclear family; it's just the three of us. But we are open with each other. We don't manipulate, exaggerate or lie. We laugh together and cry together. We debate issues and we make up silly songs. We talk about the past but we learn from it, and find the silver linings. We plan for the future and we support each other. 

S is furious about his comments. She doesn't forgive easily - this kid still hates the entire Eddie Stobbart chain because of one lorry driver who strayed over the rumble strips on the motorway about 6-8 years ago. She isn't likely to move on from his continued dismissal of her feelings, and complete absence of an apology. She's finally acknowledged that she's more affected than she would previously have admitted. She has disturbing nightmares that largely revolve around the same theme; that he has kidnapped her and threatened to harm me and/or her sister. 

On the other hand, my anger has gone. The whole situation is just laughable to me now. I could rage about the unfairness of it all, or whatever, but I don't. A lovely work colleague was asking me recently about how things are, and she couldn't understand why I wasn't furious. I can't bring myself to feel angry anymore, because so much wonderful and beautiful changes have come as a result of his fuck-ups. I have my kids, not just physically, but emotionally. We are much closer than I could ever imagine or dream of, and that's all I ever wanted. They could have had financial comfort and a superficial life with their Dad, but they chose me. Yeah, sometimes we are scraping by, but they never complain. They've learned to appreciate how much work goes into affording their newest clothes or make-up, and they're grateful for it. They see how hard I work to provide for them, and they appreciate me all the more for it. This is priceless, and it means the world to me.

So C, I hope your new 'family' is worth it. Not just the loss of your actual children, but the knowledge of how you have traumatised them. Thankfully though, I've worked to improve life for them. They are healthier, happier, and more alive than I've ever seen them. Teenage hormones aside, that is! They love each other, they love me, and our entire dynamic is based on love and honesty. So really, in trying to take them from me, you did me a favour. Thank you.