What I'd love to tell him

There are so many things I would love to tell C. I've written and deleted a multitude of emails since our separation; written out of my own frustration, deleted from my realisation that he is simply incapable of accepting a view that doesn't mirror his own. 

Over the years, our differences both grew and became more obvious, not to mention that they made us less and less compatible as time went on. I developed opinions and views that didn't match his. I don't think they ever did truly match his anyway, but being young, clueless and impressionable meant that there were so many topics I hadn't truly formed my own opinion on yet. As I matured and learned more about the world in general, I of course began making my own judgements and strengthening my own core values. I discovered that my core values were in fact almost the entire opposite of my husband's. 

Take religion for example. Do I believe in God? Honestly, I don't think I do. I like to think there is some sort of higher power out there, but I don't know if that's God. I'm open to the possibility, but more importantly, I'm open to other people having the freedom to believe and have faith. I also see the value in organised religion, although I recognise the destructive aspects that come with it, too. 

To C however, religion or faith is a mark of stupidity, ignorance and arrogance. There is no room in his life for those who believe in God or any other kind of deity. Any conversation on the matter would inevitably result in him insulting me for being open minded to religion. The same applies to politics, for that matter; I was always made to feel stupid for not simply accepting and embracing his views. I really think he hated that I completed a degree which taught me to question and critically analyse any information I received. It meant I stopped believing his bullshit. 

Actually, C and I once had a very casual conversation about him completing a degree, derived from his half-joke that he should have an 'honorary' Masters degree based on his oh-so-impressive knowledge and experience. He was never discussing the prospect of it in seriousness, it was all just informal pondering. I did say that I thought he would struggle a lot with the scholarly work involved. It's true; he doesn't - or at least didn't - possess the critical skills or the English language skills necessary for academia. Nonetheless, I told him if it was something he genuinely wanted to do, then of course we would make it work and I would help. There's no way he would give up his working time to get a degree - he always thought they were pointless anyway as hardly anyone he knows has a degree. This story - which he later relayed to mutual friends - turned into me 'not letting' him go to University, because he's too stupid. He was demonising me even then.

So here are some of the things I'd like to tell him. He won't see it, but it doesn't matter; I want to write it down and send it into the void that is the internet. I'm saying it for my benefit.

Your love for your children should always overcome your hatred for me. If it doesn't, doesn't that make you wonder if you're truly capable of loving someone? If you can't love them completely and unconditionally, you don't deserve to be a father. Your love for your children should also overcome your love for your 'step-children', who have been in your life for less than a year. J needs you to support her mental health, and S needs a sincere apology from you. But your poor bruised ego is more important to you; you're letting it stop you from reaching out to them. Your love for your children should come above absolutely everything else, including your new relationship, your pride, your need for a holiday and your reputation. They're teenagers, they need both parents to teach, support and nourish them.

The way you exploited your father's illness was utterly repulsive to me. You didn't want to step up and help him when he grew ill, but you were happy to let me do all the important stuff for him rather than his own son. Yet, you played it up to anyone who would listen. Poor you, your hero was losing his memory. Poor you, your mother had to live with it. Poor you, his illness had made you question your whole life and so you had to book countless holidays rather than depend on retirement to start living. It was always about how hard it was for you, but never about how hard it was for your parents, and his condition had to get pretty severe before you were prepared to actually offer any support beyond loaning your wife out to do it. Shame on you.

Similarly, your big stories about how close you were with my grandfather, and how well you knew him and his views, were disgusting. You barely spent any time with him, yet you used his memory as a tool to once more portray yourself as a Man With Connections. You knew he had money, morals and wisdom, and you used that for your own gain. If he can see you from wherever he is, he'll be shaking his head in disappointment. My grandfather and your father would both be ashamed to see you turn your back on your own children.  

Most of the people around you know you talk bullshit. They also know you're secretly a coward. 'Spineless' was a word that someone associated with you recently. I've had many conversations with some of your friends in the past that have shown me what they really think of you. They know your stories are at least exaggerated. They know that you don't stand up for anyone unless you have a significant advantage over your opponent; whether that's physically or financially. They know that you're a pathological liar and that your only social skill is buying the drinks.

No matter how much money you earn, and how much you spend, you'll never be satisfied. Can you ever truly feel loved by those around you when you know they mostly hang around for the benefits? Your insecurity leads you to making connections by being useful, because you know that people won't remain loyal to you if you don't have that power over them. That must be very unsatisfying for you. 

I see you. I see the real you now, which means that other people do too. You're exposed now - the man who rejected his own children. The man who lies and exaggerates to everyone. The man who exploits others to better his image and reputation. I pity you, because I'll be the one that has our two children by my side as I grow old. 

Also - FYI - I used to trim my pubes with your beard trimmer when you pissed me off. So you really are a fanny face.