Flying Monkeys

 A subject that comes up a lot when you read about narcissist is that of 'flying monkeys'.

Remember The Wizard of Oz? The flying monkeys were the minions of the Wicked Witch. They would do her dirty work without question, and clearly worshipped her. They probably weren't even aware of their position in their little hierarchy, or realised they were being used. The same applies to the narcissist's little group of adoring fans. These are people who - knowingly or unknowingly - do the dirty work for the narcissist. They believe the lies and the persona he or she offers them, and they act to defend their friend/sibling/parent etc. They become the bouncers for the narcissist, often joining in with hostility, intimidation, gaslighting and malicious gossiping towards the narcissist's victim. 

To use a really extreme example; did you ever wonder how Jimmy Saville eluded justice for his deplorable crimes? There were some who outright knew what he was doing, but chose to ignore it because he brought them other benefits. Some suspected or heard rumours, but simply couldn't believe this famously charitable man could behave in such a way. Victims were afraid to speak up for fear of backlash - both from him and his supporters. He went through his entire life without his true self being visible to everyone, and therefore countless victims were left traumatised. 

'The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing'. Edmund Burke said over 200 years ago, and sadly it is still relevant in 2021.

C has a few flying monkeys. I would love to give at least some of them the benefit of the doubt and believe that they have genuinely been taken in and just don't realise it yet. I hope that one day, they can look back and perhaps question why they enabled him. Maybe they'll even feel bad for it. Sadly, the realist in me recognises that scenario is unlikely. 

His girlfriend, for one. Whether she believes his bullshit or not, I can't understand her. Who would see a man behave the way he has to his ex-wife and his own children and think 'oh yeah, he definitely seems like a good catch'? Maybe she's desperate, or as S said, maybe she is a 'gold digga'. How can one mother watch this happen to another mother and think it's ok? Who is so desperate that a man who is actively avoiding paying child support becomes a viable - even attractive - option? She has a front row seat to his drama, she can't have missed the coercion of S, the rejection of J, the failure to offer support during J's mental health crisis, the intimidating behaviour towards me and all the rest of the shit he's done. Given the way she has behaved, I really can't believe the best of her. She knows that what he's doing is grossly wrong, and she seemingly not only tolerates it, but she encourages and participates in it. So from what I can tell, she's not only a flying monkey, she's another narcissist too.

His family. Now these guys, I'm more eager to give the benefit of the doubt to. I knew them all for a long time and loved them. I think they genuinely can't see his faults, and are only guilty of believing his lies. I know from personal experience how easy it is to ignore all the red flags when you don't want to see them. I also recognise that they are extremely skilled - and very experienced - at ignoring unpleasantness. There must be times though when they wonder though; surely they can't believe I am that proficient at influencing two smart teenagers to hate their father to the point of refusing to see him? They can't possibly think it's acceptable for him to decline and dodge financial support of his own children? However, they did turn their back on a person who did a lot for them over the years. Someone who has no family support locally, and they know is entirely responsible for a teenager with suicidal ideation. Interestingly, J hasn't had birthday or Christmas gifts from her grandmother on his side since we separated, and she tells me her Aunt has stopped replying to her texts. So maybe I'm still being gullible and foolish. 

I think his friends see some of it. I suspect they know he's not being entirely honest with them, but they also depend on him for employment, business interests and buying the drinks on a night out. So they tolerate it, but I expect when the boss isn't around, they have some interesting gossip sessions. I haven't had anything to do with any of them since the separation, nor have any of them caused me any problems. If they've been disparaging me to others, they haven't done it to anyone that matters to me, so I've found precisely zero fucks to pass in that direction. I recall some of them having some choice comments about him even before our separation, so I don't think their loyalty is exactly steadfast. It's kind of sad for him, really. 

Remember what happened to the Wicked Witch of the West? She lost. Dorothy conquered, with the help of her friends.

You better believe I'm wearing my ruby slippers.