What I'd like to tell her

I've previously mentioned C's girlfriend. She's not really entirely relevant to be honest, she's just the narcissist's next supply. But... she's still a woman, and I am a feminist at heart.

C and I had an incident years ago with a car dealer. C was sorting out a new car for me/the family and was making all the arrangements directly with the dealer. I wasn't entirely comfortable with being left out of the conversation, so I asked him to copy me in on the email chain, which he did. I scrolled back on the email chain and found a comment I really didn't like from the dealer. He was discussing the car we had chosen, and remarked; 'that active park assist is superb (especially for a woman, lol)'.

Now admittedly, this seems minor. It's even funny, in fact. But bollocks to that! We women have been putting up with this shit for a millennia; 'jokes' about how crap our driving is, or how we belong in a kitchen, or how we're only good for one thing. I'm not really the type to let this go, and I wanted to cancel the deal because I don't want to give my business to sexist arseholes. C of course laughed it off and said I was overreacting. Easy for a man in his position to say; to my knowledge, he's never been sexually assaulted or harassed. He never got comments on the size of his tits when he worked behind a bar. I expect his bad moods were never dismissed as 'time of the month', and he hasn't ever been expected to shave his body hair in order to be accepted in society. Probably best if I don't jump straight on the feminist train right now, or this could be an extremely long ride...

I decided in the end to send a passive-aggressive response to the car dealer. I wrote some trite about needing pink fluffy steering wheel covers and butterfly stickers to make up for the car not being available in pink, and commented on the suitability of the large boot space for all my shopping. All very obviously sarcastic and - if I say so myself - quite amusing. C wasn't impressed; I had embarrassed him. I mean, I was frankly embarrassed by him not picking up on that comment before adding me to the email chain, and addressing it 'like a man' (please note my sarcasm again here). On another note; the dealer didn't pick up on my sarcasm either, but I expect that from someone who thinks sexism is appropriate in a professional email.

I don't consider myself an extreme feminist. I don't plan to stop shaving my armpits and start shaving my head, although I wouldn't judge anyone who did. Frankly, I'm just too much of a wuss to join in. I do however think I'm feminist enough to reach out to other women in need. Whether she realises it or not, C's girlfriend is a woman in need.

So here's what I want to tell her;

He's lying. Whatever bullshit he's told you about his impressive accomplishments is precisely that; bullshit. Maybe he's told you about extraordinary hobbies he's had; like flying small aircrafts. Get evidence of it, beyond the flying lesson I got him for one of his birthdays. Maybe he's told you about his professional achievements, like the business he set up entirely on his own. He didn't set it up alone, and he ran it into liquidation and personal bankruptcy. He needed his office manager to bail him out professionally, and me to bail him out emotionally when that happened. Perhaps he'll tell you about important relationships he's had; like the important TV producer who had to be reminded who he was when we met him, despite his claims that they had previously had a close connection. Whatever he tells you, take it with a huge fuck-off truck load of salt. I have no idea what he's told you about me and our relationship, but I'm absolutely certain that he has been dishonest about that, too. At least in some areas. 

As a father, he was actually convincingly ok, most of the time. He'll be fine as long as your children meet his expectations for behaviour and achievements. Actually, he'll accept anything at all for a while as he's still grooming you. Once he's more comfortable, he'll have objections to certain things. Your son wants to do something a bit different with his life? He'll find ways to display his disappointment. Your daughter finds something overwhelming? God, no - that is unacceptable. If he can get plenty of happy family photos to show to the world, he'll generally be content. It won't matter if you're all falling apart behind the scenes, as long as you keep it behind the scenes. 

I honestly, genuinely hope he has managed to express his emotions more openly with you. I don't mean the surface or fake emotions that he can show, I mean the real shit. I hope he doesn't run away when you both argue. I hope he finds a way to actually express himself when he is upset, angry, disappointed or afraid. He never did that for me, but maybe you are the right woman for him and he can open up with you. I hope so, it's deeply unhealthy for anyone to avoid and suppress their emotions like he always did with me. It's also extremely damaging for the person on the receiving end. Perhaps he made a completely fresh start with you, and he has learned how to admit when he's in the wrong, and able to apologise. I hope he can actually apologise to your face - not via text - using the word 'sorry'.

I have to question why though. I can't understand why anyone would see the way he has behaved towards his children and think he is a well-rounded and emotionally mature person. Why would you think he has what it takes to be step-father to your children, when he can't be father to his own? I mean, I would find that horrific in a potential or actual partner. I guess you put up with it for the benefits that come with being with him. You'll soon find out those benefits are largely exaggerated too. Do you see how quickly our children - and myself - were erased from his life? That could happen to you. You might think you're different or special. He made me feel that way too, for a time. When it goes tits up, you'll be erased too. Maybe it won't go tits up, but I spent 16 years with the guy and had 2 children with him. Do you think you know him better after your months together? 

Do you know what is great for you though? He will not end your relationship. I guarantee you, that no matter what happens, he'll stick with you. He's stubborn even to his own detriment, and he's desperate to show the world that he moved on and found his soulmate first. I have no idea why he sees it as a competition, but I can tell you that he does. He'll want to prove to me and everyone else that your relationship is for keeps. You can do whatever you want now. Honestly, I think you could set his bollocks on fire now and he will apologise for leaving his scrotum too close to your lit match. So enjoy, and beware; you've seen how sneaky he is in hiding his money from me. At some point, he'll hide it from you, too - along with any drugs he takes.

What I really want to say, despite everything, is thank you. For 3 months, you helped to look after my daughter. I don't like how those circumstances came about, but I genuinely do appreciate your maternal nurturing of her. S told me about you; how you cooked for her, helped her tidy her room, encouraged her with her school work and more. She has no real negative feelings towards you now, and I trust her judgement. I love S more than words can say, and I think as another mother, you can understand that. You would do anything for your kids, yeah? Me too. If that means appreciating and showing gratitude to the woman who cared for one of them, then I'll jump on that grenade. Thank you for keeping my daughter safe and well until she came back to me.