Healing

S now hasn't seen her father for over a month. This is the longest she has ever gone without spending time with him. You would think that her father would find this upsetting and would be making more effort to see her, but... well, I didn't nickname him C for nothing.

S went to her Dad's house to collect her things maybe 2 months ago now. J accompanied her for moral support and took a recording of the whole event, which picked up his treatment of them. I do find it interesting that he waited until his girlfriend wasn't in the room to voice his disapproval to them. I wonder if she had warned him against saying such things to a 12 year old, perhaps she isn't as toxic as I thought. If she did, he ignored it. He told them 'you don't treat family like this' and that he was disappointed in them both. This was because S had done to him exactly what he had encouraged her to do to me; cut him off and moved in with the other parent. It must have hurt him - it certainly hurt me when the shoe was firmly on my foot. The difference is; I made it very clear to S that I still loved her and would always be here for her, whereas he rebuked and rejected her. 

After leaving the house on this occasion, S made a few extremely unsavoury comments about her supposed 'step-sister', dropping the F bomb in the meantime. This was in response to the realisation that the headset that her father was still refusing to let her keep was actually being used by his 'step-daughter' at that time. She was angry and vented to her sister about it. Unfortunately, her outburst was picked up by her father's CCTV, audio included. Being a responsible adult, he of course raised it with S and I immediately so that we could manage this between us. Haha, just kidding! Nope, he instead responding by showing the footage to his girlfriend and her daughter, causing further divide. S and her 'step-sister' shared a room at his house, which led to her refusal to go to his home now. She doesn't feel comfortable sleeping in the same room as the girl who is now cold towards her. It's understandable that she's giving S the cold shoulder; I believe she is only 13 or 14 and certainly I would have responded unfavourably to someone who had spoken like that about me when I was that age. She should never have seen the footage at all though, it would have hurt her feelings as well as create hostility. C now claims that they 'all watched it together' because he couldn't have known what she would say on camera. I mean, if their entertainment as a family is to gather round with the popcorn to watch 30 seconds of CCTV, then I guess they have a lot more problems than the obvious. I of course don't believe his version of events for a minute.

While S has been refusing to go to her father's on his weekends, I've been trying to mend fences. I encouraged him to invite her for dinner, or take her out for a few hours on his own. Even if she won't stay at his house, he can certainly still see her if he chooses to. I've been encouraging S to maintain a relationship with him and with my coaxing, has agreed that she will spend time with him without staying at his house. Sadly, her father has chosen not to take either of those options, and hasn't even extended such an invitation. Instead, he has been using those weekends to go travelling in the run down old caravan he bought with his girlfriend. Ironically, I'm told he is still telling people that I am 'poisoning the children against him' and 'refusing to let them see him'. You know that meme where the guy face palms so hard his hand goes through his head? I definitely feel that right to my bones...

Despite my worry that this distance would actually upset S, I've been pleasantly surprised to see that she's doing incredibly well. She's as cheerful and bubbly as ever, although I don't love the new teenage 'fashion' choices she is now making. She's all eyeliner and black boots now, but J went through the same phase and seems to have survived it. S has been getting on incredibly well with her sister - better than ever before in fact. They confide in each other in most matters now, and they now do various activities together at home; arts and crafts, mostly. My relationship with S has also moved from strength to strength, with her ending every interaction with 'love you!' and usually an enthusiastic hug, which I of course return with even more enthusiasm, leading to almost bone-crushing cuddles and squabbles over who loves the other the most (I love her most, the end, I win!).

With Father's Day fast approaching, I offered to help both children in buying a card and gift for him. Both firmly declined. I found this deeply sad; not for him, but for them. Having such a great relationship with my own Dad, I find it so upsetting that they don't want any type of relationship at all with their father. They actually both found some very funny/offensive cards online and sent me screenshots of them, jokingly asking me to choose my favourite to send to him. As tempting as it was, I told them it wasn't appropriate to send a card that included a direct or indirect insult, and instead I selected a more suitable one and sent it myself anyway. Maybe it will help to maintain a relationship that he could resume and build on when he isn't being as petty and bitter. As much as it irks me to spend any money on him, I choose to be the bigger person for the sake of our children. 

In the meantime, we are making plans for our futures; both as a family and individually. We're enjoying each other's company and finding ourselves. We are strengthening our relationships and taking on new endeavours. We are healing, and we are together.