BAM

Tonight, 1 year after my separation, I participated in a course for domestic abuse survivors. I urge you - if you or anyone you know has been in an abusive relationship, please do look for support. Don't brush it off as 'not worth it' because the abuse wasn't physical. Emotional/psychological abuse needs healing too. 

It took me a long time to see that my marriage was abusive. Sure, he became nasty after we separated; and it took a while to realise that even that was domestic abuse. It took even longer to recognise that it hadn't just been since the separation. In fact, abuse was a regular feature of my marriage, and I hadn't even realised.

The whip struck me suddenly, when discussing my situation with a colleague who specialised in safeguarding. I was explaining the situation I was going through with my ex, and my worries about our children. I was looking for support for J in particular, and thought this colleague may have some insight. She was amazing, as all of my colleagues have been throughout this journey. After giving me advice on J, she asked what support I had. For me. I told her I have a great friendship group and a wonderful family who support from afar. She stopped me and said 'who is supporting you through the gaslighting and coercive control?'

BAM. 

I mean... BAM.

It was a huge shock. It wasn't just that my ex was a dick, he was abusing me. This sent my brain spinning. My thoughts over the next few days were just whirling, clambering over each other and crowding my mind. Hold on - HOW could someone abuse me? I'm outspoken, I'm loud, I'm a fierce feminist and... for Christ's sake, I'm SCOTTISH. If anyone outside our relationship had been told that one of us were abusing the other; I'm certain I would have had the most fingers pointing my way.

I self-referred to a domestic abuse service. I was just hoping they could advise me a little on how to manage keeping myself and my kids against any further abuse from him. Instead, they opened my eyes. I hadn't realised my eyes had been glued practically shut, till they released them for me. Through the Freedom Programme (honestly, just implement this in schools already), therapy, and discussion with specialists, the following weeks and months were just a series of painful blows to my gut. The memories of incidents that I had previously accepted as just me 'being dramatic' came flooding back, along with the blunt force trauma of each one.

The time he told me he 'didn't believe' in depression, while I was suffering from post-natal depression. BAM.

The time he went to work despite my being on the verge of an asthma attack, meaning I had to call 999 myself and seek help for the kids while I felt like I was breathing through a narrow straw. BAM.

The time I had an ectopic pregnancy and he told me it had just been a 'clump of cells'. BAM.

The many times he would shut down from me rather than engage in communication over an issue. The accusations of overspending on groceries while thinking it hilarious that he had bought a motorbike without even notifying me, never mind discussing it. All those times he called me over-dramatic because I dared to question him for coming home late without letting me know.  The days, sometimes even weeks of silent treatment. The 'jokingly' pondering where I would be if I hadn't met him (in a gutter somewhere, obviously... ha ha), the reminders of how much I owed him and how lucky I was to be with him, the sexist expectations that all domestic duties fell on me, no matter how much I worked or even how physically fit I was for any of it. bambambambambambambambambam...

The course I was on tonight is called Own My Life. They were teaching us about the seven steps of a breakup, and explaining the difference between separating from a healthy or near-healthy relationship, and an abusive one. 

1 - Shock. In a normal relationship, the newly single person spends days locked in devastation and shock. In an abusive relationship, this is tangled up with numerous other concerns; financial, trauma-induced stress, police and social care involvement, worries for our and our children's safety and much more.

2 - Denial. In an abusive relationship, this causes the victim to become disassociated from life. They/we deny that there was any abuse, but that we are the cause of this, as we have long been led to believe. The denial of abuse has often been so ingrained over a period of years, that it's hard to see reality through the fog.

3 - Isolation. This is often worse after abuse as isolation is often an abuser's tool already. This will likely worsen, as the abuser tells everyone who will listen how they are just a poor innocent victim themselves, and their ex is just nasty, and that old chestnut; 'crazy'. Sadly, some believe it, especially as abusers are often - at least to most - the perfect gentleman/lady, with charm to knock the socks off even the most stubborn folk. 

4 - Anger. Abuse victims have had a long battle with anger, and have grown only to be angry with themselves, having been led to believe that he/she was always the cause of whatever issue was raised. They/we have learned to suppress and internalise our anger, and we don't know how to effectively express and manage anger any more. 

5 - Bargaining. Some victims will consider resuming their relationships. Some will simply decide to forgive and forget the pain caused to them, in order to make their co-parenting relationship easier. Neither of these approaches generally turn out well.

6 - Depression. Due to ongoing threats, intimidation, fear tactics and financial worries, victims are constantly in a state of fight/flight/freeze. This excess of adrenaline and cortisol wreak havoc on your body; affecting your appetite, your sleep, your emotions, your energy... The practicalities of working, running a household and raising children become incredibly overwhelming.

7 - Acceptance. I'll let you know more about this step when I get there, but I'm told it's a lovely place to be.

The fact is, when people hear how shitty your ex was, the reaction is usually 'wow, thank God you're rid of them, you must feel great to be free!' Honestly, yes - there are times of amazing, indescribable freedom and empowerment. But mostly, it's one of the first 6 steps. I've certainly leapt up a few steps on a good day, just to tumble straight back down the next. Do I miss him? Absolutely not. Believe me, I starfish my bed every night with a feeling of contentment and pride in my own survival. However, I wish I didn't have to live like this. I live every day worried about what will happen next. When I get an email alert, my heart jumps into my mouth. I once had to pull my car over and retch out of the door because I saw on my phone that he had emailed me. Thankfully, I've long since changed my number so email is the only way he can contact me. I'm jittery every time I look at my bank account, knowing that I am scraping by till payday. I wake in the middle of the night or early morning, worried about my kids; J in particular with her mental health being so fragile. There are times I wonder if maybe I should have just kept living in that fog, to save myself this stress now.

Thankfully, I then give myself a mental BAM and remind myself; despite it all, I am way, WAY better off without him.